Monday, April 15, 2013

Day 39 the final test.. to be love, no matter what.

Being and becoming a mother does funny things to a woman. It makes her prioritise life in new ways.
What was once important becomes meaningless.
My ego, and my own needs are minimized when I consider what I want for my child.
It gives one a new and greater sense of purpose and responsibility to the greater good.

Through my healing, my child is healed. My need to be right or serve my egos agenda somehow disappears into the background. It's not that I don't feel the pain and frustration of not being treated the way I want or that I am blindly bending over and taking it, but I am able to detach to broader view for the purpose of creating what I feel is best for me and the ones I love, even the ones I am mad as hell at. My sense of purpose, allows me to loosen my grip on what no longer serves.
And sitting in anger, resentment and injustice serves no purpose at all.

Yesterday I wrote about who we all are. At the core of our being we are one. In my healing, I can awaken others to theirs. So, last night in my frustration with the poor communication and observation of Darren being stuck in the old patterns of fear, anger and resentment... I asked God to help me see things differently. To find the vantage point that would serve this situation in the highest order.
I don't want a life a dealing with an angry ex. I want a life of co-operate effort. If we can't be together as a family, as least we can work together as parents.

I woke up this morning to a memory of us in a moment of complete intimacy.  It was so vivid in my mind, I could hear his voice and feel his touch. Along with that memory was a gentle reminder that only the love is real. Everything he does and says that is hurtful, or not from love, are the wounds, not the man.

The memory was this: Very soon after, weeks after we met, we were falling in love. I had a few details of his separation and betrayal of his marriage and I asked him. "How can you love me, after all you been through?" His response was, I don't know. My heart is just so open and all I want to do is love you." It brought tears to my eyes, I never felt more loved or more love for a man in my life, as I did in that moment. It was his heart speaking to me from pure source energy. Love.
That is who he is to me.

 I knew that God has placed that memory of him in my mind to give me a thought, a vibration and a touchstone of his inner being. It was his true self in a state of love, and anything contradictory to that was a lie, and illusion.

Does that mean I will ever again have that love with him in terms of an intimate relationship?
Who knows, and it doesn't matter. If I can begin to see all situations and people in my life through the eyes of love and cast out anything that is not, I hold the space for miracles in my life and the lives of those around me. It is the only path to true healing and transformation. Letting my pain and resentment steer the ship will only land me on the rocks, with all my crew on board.

So, it is my mission, for the final 20 or so days of this blog, to only see him for the divine being he is. For my healing, his healing and the well being of my child. This will not be an easy task, I can guarantee you that but I have a higher purpose than being right.
Why be right, when I can be love?

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