Saturday, April 6, 2013

Day 36 So, apparently I am still dateable, yo...

 
Last night, after returning home from a failed B & E attempt of my former home...no clue what I was doing FYI or why...I think I just wanted to feel a sense of....Ha! Fuck you!  You can lock me out, but even at seven months pregnant, I can still climb walls and break windows!!...only I can't... so I didn't actually feel the satisfaction of that... and then I got a locksmith on the phone because I thought that would be much easier... only when he said it was $95 bucks, I was like.. OK so what's my $95 going to get me, an opportunity to stand in my kitchen and look like a complete idiot if and when Darren came home??? It's not like I had a truck, or a mover or any real plan... so I gave up and went home...  Oh, after I climbed through the garage window got a bag of shoes... so that was good... and productive y'all.

Defeated and in a state of utter despair and rampant obsessive jealous thoughts... I had a new plan. I decided I would post a Plenty-of-Fish online dating profile ... seriously. I did that.
Here's what it said:

Headline : Knocked up

About me :

So, funny storey...
I was in what I thought was my perfect relationship.. on the road to family town... then I get knocked up, awesome-sauce... then, big firey train wreck and we break up... not-so-awesome-sauce...
My friends and I decided we should see how many awesome-sauce baby-daddy wanna-bees are out there... or even just weirdos with pregnancy fetishes...I get hit in a lot with this bump, not gonna lie, I like it. I just want a good guy for myself and my little soon to be dude.
I am a BIG skier and love the outdoors.
I am looking for super awesome hot man who knows how to take care of a woman when she needs taking care of... (I actually stole that off the POF profile of Darrens ex-wife, just in case he ever found it and read it, I thought that would hit him below the belt...yes, that's as vengeful as I get, sad.)I am entrepreneurial and creative... if you can't handle random unpredictable passion and excitement... stick to your day job, this girl needs a man of steel...


First Date
       
Anything other than a comedy night... my personal experience is that men who take you to comedy shows, need defibrillators, well, I need a defibrillator... to get through it... no personality... just saying... Ill go skiing, walk, dinner, wine... keep it brief... I have a boredom threshold, so better make sure there is lots of good banter and fun before making any major time commitments... besides, I may need to pump... and lets face it... breast milk in your martini...not hot.
ANYHOOOO....
I woke up this morning to like 35 emails... seriously... many of them quite serious, and some some just applauding my tenacity (and wit)... but I thought that was pretty damn good...
In other news, apparently the B & E got "you know who's" attention.... That, and the 900 missed calls and multiple voice mails threatening further B&E and locksmith attempts from me if he didn't call me back... he finally called me back at 8am.
What ensued was a rousing 4-5 hour no holes barred, yelling, screaming, ranting, raving "discussion" with some long periods of silence.... tears and I love you too's... and I had a date....and a box of cookies and really sweet and sympathetic note from my neighbor downstairs saying she was really sorry that she heard the whole thing... as the walls are really thin...(or maybe my yelling and crying was just really loud)...and that her mom was a single mom and she knew I would be just fine, bless her golden little heart...
I am thinking landing a POF date might have been easier...
I don't understand men, obviously...
 

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    1. Hi Robbie!
      Thanks for the advice <3 ... i thought i would refrain from posting it publicly as it might incriminate you in the event "someone" finds himself the victim of a public linching... headed up by the Maynes clan, of course ;) But great advice ;)
      I love you... AG

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