Sunday, April 21, 2013

and... the end.

I began this blog on Valentines day, February 14 2013.
 It's been 67 days, since I began and I hadn't even realized it, because truth be told, I haven't really been writing every day, as I once was. As my deadlines approached, I felt farther than ever from my goal. The purpose of this blog, aside from being an outlet for me, was to observe and map a path to healing a broken heart and to demonstrate the power of right minded thinking. I also hoped that there would be a happy ending, like every good hero's' journey, in the end he always gets the girl. In this case, she gets her man.
This is not to be the case. Maybe that's why I have been slow and uninspired to write. I feel as though I have failed. Maybe there will be a momentous shift in events, or miracle that drops into my lap, and I will look back and it will all be clear and good and well, but today; it's just moving day, and inside I want to die.

60 days of attraction, feels more like 60 days of grief. I have cried so much for the man I loved and the dreams I had of healing, so we could be a family, and bring baby into this world together. I was on a quest and every corner I turned I  believed that just around it, would be the answer to my prayer, and around every corner I was betrayed. I clung too tightly, and that is counter to the laws of attraction. What we cling to, or fear losing is manifesting the loss. Despite my best efforts to loosen my grip just trust, I would get sucked back down into despair, and desperation.

I have been reading Marianne Williamsons book, Illuminata, Thoughts prayers, and rights of passage.
The book was loaned to me by  my good friend John, and I am grateful for it; albeit surprised by the source. It's a first edition and is signed for him with a personal message to him, by Marianne herself. Sometime friends you thought you knew, surprise you.

Anyhow, I want to share a prayer for a broken relationship, from Marianne's book.

Dear God,
In releasing this man, I surely feel as though my heart is crushed.
I feel as though a limb is gone and a piece if myself is now ripped away.
I pray dear God for the power to love him so totally that I shall not be in pain.
For my Love I know shall set me free
Let not be tempted to try and constrict him, either in my actions or in my thoughts.
May he fly free
May I appreciate the rightness of his need to travel
May I keep my faith and wisdom of all things
May I learn to respect his choices and go where he needs to go
If he finds another to love, may that love flourish for your sake
For truly, the arc of love is a blessing to us all.
Wherever he goes, dear Lord, please go with him
May he be blessed in all his doings.
May he always be happy
May he always be loved
May he find his way
Amen.




Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Day 40 One fish, two fish... Oh look, I caught new fish!

Well... I had a plenty of fish date.
I am not shitting you, it had to be the most awkward and awesome meeting of my life.
Not that the guy made me feel awkward but for God sake I am moving into whale territory; just months from probably the un-sexiest thing a vagina can do, and I'm playing footsie under the table, over a salad with this single dad hottie as he gazes dreamily into my eyes and tells me he would be thrilled to be part of this new life I am carrying and make more babies with me... for real y'all.

So there is life after the "D" word after all. And although yesterday I was a wreck, today I have hope.
Even though I am having to let go of the pictures I had of being with Darren and the new baby, I have to remind myself when the Universe doesn't give you want you want, just wait... because it is most likely getting ready to give you something even better.

Anyway... I have just received a barrage of very sweet confidence building texts from my "new" guy suggesting I spend some time with him, and "don't let Jack-ass take any more of that beautiful love I have to give"... talk about just what I needed. sigh....
Where this will go, at this point I am not concerned... I just feel like we have say YES to beauty in all its forms, when it is delivered to us; with an open and grateful heart. Today I am grateful that the universe sent me someone who is reflecting back to me my worth. Right when I needed it most. It's a good sign that I am coming out of the darkness and am on the road to healing.

Monday, April 15, 2013

Day 39 the final test.. to be love, no matter what.

Being and becoming a mother does funny things to a woman. It makes her prioritise life in new ways.
What was once important becomes meaningless.
My ego, and my own needs are minimized when I consider what I want for my child.
It gives one a new and greater sense of purpose and responsibility to the greater good.

Through my healing, my child is healed. My need to be right or serve my egos agenda somehow disappears into the background. It's not that I don't feel the pain and frustration of not being treated the way I want or that I am blindly bending over and taking it, but I am able to detach to broader view for the purpose of creating what I feel is best for me and the ones I love, even the ones I am mad as hell at. My sense of purpose, allows me to loosen my grip on what no longer serves.
And sitting in anger, resentment and injustice serves no purpose at all.

Yesterday I wrote about who we all are. At the core of our being we are one. In my healing, I can awaken others to theirs. So, last night in my frustration with the poor communication and observation of Darren being stuck in the old patterns of fear, anger and resentment... I asked God to help me see things differently. To find the vantage point that would serve this situation in the highest order.
I don't want a life a dealing with an angry ex. I want a life of co-operate effort. If we can't be together as a family, as least we can work together as parents.

I woke up this morning to a memory of us in a moment of complete intimacy.  It was so vivid in my mind, I could hear his voice and feel his touch. Along with that memory was a gentle reminder that only the love is real. Everything he does and says that is hurtful, or not from love, are the wounds, not the man.

The memory was this: Very soon after, weeks after we met, we were falling in love. I had a few details of his separation and betrayal of his marriage and I asked him. "How can you love me, after all you been through?" His response was, I don't know. My heart is just so open and all I want to do is love you." It brought tears to my eyes, I never felt more loved or more love for a man in my life, as I did in that moment. It was his heart speaking to me from pure source energy. Love.
That is who he is to me.

 I knew that God has placed that memory of him in my mind to give me a thought, a vibration and a touchstone of his inner being. It was his true self in a state of love, and anything contradictory to that was a lie, and illusion.

Does that mean I will ever again have that love with him in terms of an intimate relationship?
Who knows, and it doesn't matter. If I can begin to see all situations and people in my life through the eyes of love and cast out anything that is not, I hold the space for miracles in my life and the lives of those around me. It is the only path to true healing and transformation. Letting my pain and resentment steer the ship will only land me on the rocks, with all my crew on board.

So, it is my mission, for the final 20 or so days of this blog, to only see him for the divine being he is. For my healing, his healing and the well being of my child. This will not be an easy task, I can guarantee you that but I have a higher purpose than being right.
Why be right, when I can be love?

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Day 38-ish The return to love...

I have come to realise that so much of my anger and frustration at this situation is anger towards myself. I feel that part of being able to let go of a relationship is coming to terms with my own regrets and forgiving myself, more than anything. I cling to past because I made mistakes and I want to go back and fix it.  But I can't. I am living with the results of my choices and point of attraction from before. I should have got down on my knees sooner and given my grievances in the relationship over to God, instead of going to battle myself. I realize now the path the God, or enlightenment is through our relationships. The source within us is calling us to transform outdated beliefs and erase old programs and remember who we are and to hold ourselves and others in the context of that divinity and return to love. That is the state of conciousness where miracles roll.

The return to love is the great cosmic drama... and the call to return to love, can be recognized by manifestations of emotional car wrecks in our lives, and the extent of the injuries, equivalent to the degree to which the universe is beckoning us to remember; we are all one Christ collective consciousness.

When we know that, it becomes our business, not only to heal ourselves but to hold the space for healing in one another through love. God is the author of love not fear, we are the manufactures of fear in our 3D reality, not God, and so fear does not truly exists. Love is all there is.

I actually had a doors blow open epiphany of this "love conciousness" many years ago. I was in my bed reading The Power of Intention by Wayne Dyer, and all of the sudden this truth resonated to the core of my being. I was suddenly freed from all limiting thoughts, I was fearless, and had a deep sense of the unconditional love that was at the core of all existence. I jumped out of bed and grabbed a lipstick, as it was all I had and I sensed the moment of epiphany may not linger forever.
 I wrote:  "Love everything, Fear nothing" on my vanity mirror.
It was a profound awakening... and maybe that experience is the touchstone of my hope and belief that I can heal anything and everything that is not working the way I want it to in my 3D reality.
I can manifest miracles through right thinking. I felt the power that is my source of co-creation.

 If only love is real and a person behaves unlovingly, it was derived from fear and therefor it doesn't actually exist. When one behaves unlovingly they have forgotten who they really are. When we forgive, and we stay withing our own alignment and the truth of who we are, (in Divine love) it gives us the power to awaken others as well. Closing our hearts destroys our peace,  and the potential to manifest miracles. Even though it may give our egos a temporary shot of crack, it does not serve our truth.

We sit in our ego and believe that we can nit pick, control, judge and blame others and berate ourselves. We try to will others and things to be act or behave differently. But that isn't our job. Our only job is to return to love.

It is easy to love and forgive people who do not make us angry. Marianne Williamson, in her reflections on A Course in Miracles states that the people who makes us the most angry are our most important teachers. They indicate the limits of our own capacity for forgiveness. The decision to let go of the grievances against others is a decisions to see ourselves as we truly are. It can be hard to let go of your perception of someones guilt... but The Course In Miracles asks.. do you want to be right, or happy?

 Law of attraction would agree that keeping your focus of attention on judgement of someone elses guilt, only serves to keep them stuck in it. The same goes for ourselves. When I am beating myself up, and holding onto regret, I am only perpetuating my state of separation. I am not seeing myself through the eyes of God and my own Divinity.

Relationships are reborn as we let go perceptions of the past. By bringing the past into the present we create a future just like the past. By treating myself and others with compassion and forgiveness I perpetuate a state a change. When I am out of alignment with source, I know it, and to criticize, blame, judge or get angry at me, only perpetuates my stuckness.

When someone you love is behaving unlovingly, your compassion is the most powerful weapon to bring them back to love, not your railing against the behavior. Their behavior is not remember, who they truly are. Now is the time to hold another, or yourself in highest vibrational version you can align yourself to and make room for transformation. To let the past go is to make room for miracles. In choosing to affirm someones guilt we are choosing to perpetuate more of it. The capacity to love in the face of the unloving, is the true barometer of how far you are on your path of awakening.

When we think with love, we are co-creating with God, when we think with fear, we are hallucinating...because fear doesn't not exists at the source of who we are.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

This says day 37 but really its like 42... who's counting? Blog police?

Honest to God, I just don't know how to top the drama of last week...I think that's why I have been experiencing a bit of writers block... I mean B & E's and POF dating at 7 months pregnant? You can't fake that shit people. Truth is crazier, and way more entertaining than fiction. The good news is, my BF Jane bought me The Bloggess Jenny Lawson's first book and memoir, "Let's pretend this never happened" to cheer me up and in it she clearly states that most bloggers are either emotionally unstable or social misfits... and that's why they turn to blogging. She is both, and it makes her writing both hysterically funny and deeply disturbing, I love her. I feel better about myself now... and it answers some questions...

I seemed to have meandered away from my "Law of attraction" theme as of late, and I realize that maybe if I actually start living my teachings again and setting a better example for y'all I  might  a) not be experiencing so much high seas drama and b) not be receiving viral like views to my blog and c) might be having a little more happiness and a little less heartache. (but who can really say on that last one, because when you fall in love with a douche bag you are pretty much destined for heartache)
So let it be a lesson in owning your "now moment" real time power... the "douche bag" is a result of old patterns and thoughts and I can only create a better outcome from my now moment. Right? Shit.

Whats funny, is I actually think I was kind of waiting to write....to see how things shook out over the weekend. I feel like so many of my readers are emotionally invested now. I didn't want your hopes dashed.. my dashed hopes are about all I can take, I don't want to be responsible for yours too...

I have to say that after our big blow out and subsequent date the other night, I thought things were going really well. We spent some time together on Saturday night, and talked about everything... and nothing...we were back to being in love again. Then Sunday morning he came over with a latte and we spend another 4 hours talking about how we could get back on track and what that would look like and what went wrong and he was really emotional and that was awesome to see... I was happy and hopeful.

I guess something in me was cautious and didn't want to actually declare anything to you guys, or on the Internet that can't be erased in the event that I would be duped again, and look stupid for being a hopeless pathetic romantic. Which was in fact what happened. The fact is, I give up too much, and he happily takes what he needs and doesn't offer anything in return. The Florence and the machine song "sweet sweet nothing" really sums up my week, and its time for me to love myself enough to say no more. "It's not enought to say you care, you give me nothing sweet, sweet nothing... "

It took several nights of frustration and grieving of all my new found hopes once again to come to the conclusion that I wasn't getting what I needed, nothing was going to change and it was time to close the door. I knew that in order for me to stick to my guns and digest saying goodbye, I would have to find a new way to look at each piece of my attachment; take it in chunks, and re-frame them one by one; until I wasn't focused on what I was losing, but what I would experience instead. I figure this would at least give me relief from my sadness and increase the odds of me sticking to my guns and walking away.

Right now, the biggest source of my urgency, attachment and disappointment was the dream of a peaceful and intimate home birth with Darren. I was so focused on fixing us so that we could enjoy the last few weeks of this pregnancy together and plan our birth. I had to find a way to re-frame the scenario with out him, into something that I could at least swallow.

It was Jane and her sister Annie who gave me the inspiration for my new vision. Jane told me the story of how when she was in labor with her last, even though her husband was standing right beside her holding her hand, it was Annie's voice in the hallway saying "you can do it Jane!" as she reached the home stretch, that gave her the strength to push that babe out. And from there, we decided that men are just simply useless during child birth. In fact they are typically the ones whining the loudest. I know this was the case during the birth of my first son. I remember thinking to myself as Shawn's father whined his feet were getting wet by the side of the bath, as I endured yet another horrific contraction...are you fucking kidding me??? holy crap, I am married to you?? What the hell kind of wussy are you?? This is never going to last... damn it!

We decided that childbirth was a job for the women, and men had no real business interfering... and all of the sudden I didn't feel so alone. I made a choice, to re-frame my vision of the birth I wanted into the birth I needed. And that, is to be surrounded by love and strong women who would know what I needed in the deep stages of labor. I make a mental picture in my mind of how awesome it will be,  just me and the girls...fussing, bonding, laughing, crying and maybe some gutteral screaming on my end... and then oooing and awwwwing over baby Pax as he makes his debut on planet earth.

The other piece of re-framing was to remove myself from the loss of my partner, and realize that Pax and I were his to lose. I was going to be there, and I was going to have my baby and he was going to miss it. Not me. Beyond the birth of this baby was the realization that I was still beautiful and I would have a sweet little man, and some big man would be happy to love us, and take care of us when the time was right. This was not my loss... it was his.

Saturday, April 6, 2013

Day 36 So, apparently I am still dateable, yo...

 
Last night, after returning home from a failed B & E attempt of my former home...no clue what I was doing FYI or why...I think I just wanted to feel a sense of....Ha! Fuck you!  You can lock me out, but even at seven months pregnant, I can still climb walls and break windows!!...only I can't... so I didn't actually feel the satisfaction of that... and then I got a locksmith on the phone because I thought that would be much easier... only when he said it was $95 bucks, I was like.. OK so what's my $95 going to get me, an opportunity to stand in my kitchen and look like a complete idiot if and when Darren came home??? It's not like I had a truck, or a mover or any real plan... so I gave up and went home...  Oh, after I climbed through the garage window got a bag of shoes... so that was good... and productive y'all.

Defeated and in a state of utter despair and rampant obsessive jealous thoughts... I had a new plan. I decided I would post a Plenty-of-Fish online dating profile ... seriously. I did that.
Here's what it said:

Headline : Knocked up

About me :

So, funny storey...
I was in what I thought was my perfect relationship.. on the road to family town... then I get knocked up, awesome-sauce... then, big firey train wreck and we break up... not-so-awesome-sauce...
My friends and I decided we should see how many awesome-sauce baby-daddy wanna-bees are out there... or even just weirdos with pregnancy fetishes...I get hit in a lot with this bump, not gonna lie, I like it. I just want a good guy for myself and my little soon to be dude.
I am a BIG skier and love the outdoors.
I am looking for super awesome hot man who knows how to take care of a woman when she needs taking care of... (I actually stole that off the POF profile of Darrens ex-wife, just in case he ever found it and read it, I thought that would hit him below the belt...yes, that's as vengeful as I get, sad.)I am entrepreneurial and creative... if you can't handle random unpredictable passion and excitement... stick to your day job, this girl needs a man of steel...


First Date
       
Anything other than a comedy night... my personal experience is that men who take you to comedy shows, need defibrillators, well, I need a defibrillator... to get through it... no personality... just saying... Ill go skiing, walk, dinner, wine... keep it brief... I have a boredom threshold, so better make sure there is lots of good banter and fun before making any major time commitments... besides, I may need to pump... and lets face it... breast milk in your martini...not hot.
ANYHOOOO....
I woke up this morning to like 35 emails... seriously... many of them quite serious, and some some just applauding my tenacity (and wit)... but I thought that was pretty damn good...
In other news, apparently the B & E got "you know who's" attention.... That, and the 900 missed calls and multiple voice mails threatening further B&E and locksmith attempts from me if he didn't call me back... he finally called me back at 8am.
What ensued was a rousing 4-5 hour no holes barred, yelling, screaming, ranting, raving "discussion" with some long periods of silence.... tears and I love you too's... and I had a date....and a box of cookies and really sweet and sympathetic note from my neighbor downstairs saying she was really sorry that she heard the whole thing... as the walls are really thin...(or maybe my yelling and crying was just really loud)...and that her mom was a single mom and she knew I would be just fine, bless her golden little heart...
I am thinking landing a POF date might have been easier...
I don't understand men, obviously...
 

Thursday, April 4, 2013

Day 35 Heartbreak.

It's  520 am.
I remember the night we met, I had spent the previous several months in a 30 day "challenge" with myself to manifest my soul mate, using the methods of a very sweet and eccentric "Angel" Spiritualist and expert on manifesting love, Rebbecca Marina.

There was a series of synchronicities that played out leading up to our first rendezvous, and it was fascinating to me after the fact that I could actually retrace those steps and see the decisions and intuitions and random interventions from other people that ultimately brought us together...those synchronicities that give evidence that the universe is in cahoots with all your desires.

Every night throughout late January and February in 2011, I followed the guide book, doing every one of the processes for manifesting love that it outlined. The one I remember most vividly, was that I would lay in bed at night and imagine what it would feel like in the knowing that my soul mate, my perfect match and life partner lay beside me sleeping. I would bask in the feeling of safety, warmth, connectedness, closeness, partnership and the knowing that someone loved me. It was a silent prayer, and it felt wonderful.

The night we met I was petrified (as this was a blind date right off the Internet) and not for the reasons you would think... not that I would be dragged into to bushes and raped and murdered but more so that I would be stuck on a 3 hour date with a total drip... and as he had picked a 5 star white table clothed french restaurant with panoramic views of the city; I was now committed to at least 3 hours, and possibly a $300 dinner with a man I had never even spoken to...and yes, my biggest dread was boredom/dulls-ville...As I drove the long winding road to meet him, I began to pray... please God, my Angels and beautiful Spirit guides.... just let him be fun. He doesn't have to be the love of my life or anything, just make him fun and interesting and maybe I will make a new friend...
I repeated it over and over... and he was, only better.

Last night as I prepared to see Darren for the first real meeting in months, I also prayed.
I prayed that he would see me and remember. Remember why he fell in love with me. I prayed that he would feel the heart recognition we felt the first night we first met, and feel the love I know we have eternally. I also prayed that he would feel the love and bond with the baby I have in my belly... and I believe that he did, even more than I'd even hoped.

When I got into the truck, I looked at him for a long moment, I said hi, and he said hi. The emotions were palpable and all I had to do was touch his hand...we didn't even get a block before the emotions over came us both. He stopped in the road and pulled me to him. It was a long time that we sat in the truck and just held each other, his head nustled  in my neck. I whispered how much I loved him, and missed him and I was sorry for everything...he said very little, just nodded tearfully and when I asked him if he still loved me, all he said was, he'd "never not loved me" (I smiled inside because he has never been very good at direct communication) In my mind, I repeated over and over, thank you God... I knew it.

For the almost hour or so we sat in the truck, and another in the restaurant just letting the love in again. I was so happy. He held me so tight to him, smiling and listening to all the plans I had for us, and the things I had wanted to tell him for so long. I had him back, I could feel it, and we were going to be OK. Only it was not.

I don't even know how to process this, and maybe that's why I felt the need to start writing in the wee hours. So thank blogger and you, for giving me my sanity this past month, and hopefully this will help me understand just what the hell I am suppose to do, or how I should feel. I only know that I am faced with the awareness that there are multiple levels of existence we are operating on. There is the level where we are one, and our souls recognition of one another and our connectedness to a higher purpose is active...and then there is the 3D reality, where ego and practical reason rule the day.
But what happens when these worlds overlap in a conscious, distinctive and more importantly , contrasting way? Do we go with reason, ego, logic and rational judgement? Or follow some mystical guidance or inner knowing, even if it flies in the face of reason or even self preservation?

As I asked him about his Hawaii trip, under the assumption that he had taken his kids. I began to realize that there was more to the story he wasn't saying... it doesn't take long for a woman to read this expression on the man she loves...her heart knows when it's about to be shattered, yet again.

As I asked the question I didn't want to know the answer to and something inside me separated. It all happened in slow motion. My natural and immediate response would normally have been swift and furious and then ending with my heart on the floor, left for dead. I would be so attached to my emotions, that a white hot rage would roll through me, only this time it didn't. I was in such a space of unconditional love for him and acceptance of what is, that my stunned ego had to coax me back to the reality that no matter how much I loved him, this was not OK.

My ego said "honey, come on... you have been crying over this asshole for months, carrying the child you wanted together in your womb, alone, with no support or love or partner? You have been giving everything you have to love him back to you and he is off fucking someone else on the vacation he was suppose to take with you?? You sat in a hospital, with not a single answered phone call from him for weeks, because he was fucking someone else in Hawaii?? You have his baby in your belly and he has does not done one single thing to show you he loves you...or bring you home or even try to work it out and now he is sitting here in front of you with a stupid "how do I get out of this one?" expression on his face because he has been fucking someone else in Hawaii??(I know I am being redundant, but as I said earlier, this is as much my therapy as it is entertainment for my readers) and did I mention he has clearly, moved on... WTF???"

But for some reason, I stayed detached. I found myself feigning anger, and asking him all the questions my ego would want answers to, but that my heart and soul did not. I watched it, like a movie... and I saw him through the eyes of love, into the part of him I have been loving all along. His inner being. I felt my love for him with out conditions. I could separate the decisions of his ego with what I know is in his heart... but it wouldn't last. My hurt and my ego won in the end.

So as I tried to fall asleep last night, I lay in bed with a different prayer. I prayed that I would wake up in the morning and not feel anything. That I would forget everything I ever felt for him. Never want him, need him or think of him as mine again. I prayed, begged and pleaded that I would stop loving him, forever. I'll let you know how that goes.




Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Day 34 You people are so lucky that I am knocked up with endless and aimless time on my hands...

For you...I am endlessly searching my soul, contemplating my navel and uncovering the mysteries of the universe... I hope you appreciate it, cause I have some GOLDEN awesomeness to share with you today.
First off lets talk about personal power, because I think I might have actually retrieved mine from whence is was abandoned.

How do we give it up to begin with, and why would someone else want it, and what are the signs that yours is being abducted from you, or vice verse?

Aside from relationship, which is a very obvious place to give up your power; due the all the emotional attachment we have, need to please, be loved etc... we (less obviously) give up our power in the day to day function of (and therefor miss out on some of the best manifestations of) our lives.

Giving up your power looks like this: I fucking hate my job, but I am so attached to my need for security and safety that ever day I get up with this sick feeling in my stomach; and drag my sorry ass to work. I have so little power in my life, that any chance I get to "beg borrow or steal" someone else's through control, nit-picking, micro-management, belittling, judgment or criticism of others to make myself feel good, or superior or righteous... I take it. I am fearful in my life and therefor, I try to micro-manage anything outside of myself that I can in order to feel some control over mine.

Here is what taking back your power looks like: I fucking hate my job, so I am going take a moment to really analyse this, instead of blaming and complaining...I am going to spend 30 min every morning and every night, writing, meditating, asking, contemplating and pondering things that feel good to me, without judgement... and what my life might feel like and look like, if I loved my work in the world. (all of the sudden, useless time spent nit picking about someone else, and trying to steal their power, now has 60 less minutes a day of your attention... ) and once I start to receive some clarity from the Vortex, or Creator, or God as to how I can find more passion in my life and my work, (which you will, because you are doing step one so beautifully which is asking ) I am going to turn every last bit of my attention to that. All of the sudden, you are so busy feathering your own nest and feeling good about it, that you haven't got the time, to nit pick or criticize or steal power from another... yours is so much more fulfilling than the 30 seconds of satisfaction you get from making someone else wrong.

Let's talk about relationship:

People talk about "standing in your truth" or "taking back your power" in relationships and it's so ambiguous, until you have that ah-ha moment yourself... we think we are fighting over money, or laundry or whatever else allows you to focus on everything your partner is doing wrong, that you are so justified in hanging your hat on, and making it the cause of all of your woe instead of on what you might want to be doing instead of that, to make you feel good.

Usually your truth, or, what makes you feel good, comes after a long bout of not standing in your truth, as we have discovered through our many chats about contrast and how it is serving you always in your expansion process, so be grateful and appreciative of the long bouts of self abandonment that ultimately lead you back to rediscovering some new desired version of self... I digress..

Let's use me and my relationship as an example (as if I wouldn't )
Darren and I fell in love, because we had many of the same things things vibrating in our vortex. We both wanted closeness and intimacy, which he found deeply in one another. We wanted a family life, and to have a partner to have fun, and play with, which we enjoyed so much in each other. We wanted to co-create and be entrepreneurial together and enjoy life, and it's abundance.

[Enter: fear stage left ]We had also both been hurt in the past and experienced relationships with a lot of personal power theft. I, having been on my own for quite some time had established my own personal methods of working my manifesting and spending time in solitude in order to maintain my personal power, but I was still new at this...

Darren was also very powerful at manifesting, and his asking had put me square in his vortex as the answer to all his dreams too... unfortunately he was just out of a marriage that had completely depleted his power, so there were holes in the grids so to speak and we were both going to fall right into them.

 I suspect the marriage was not the first relationship that robbed him of his power, (mother-control freak Catholic guilt monger..nothing against Catholics, just against the misuse of the practice of it) he became quite adept at survival tactics...needless to say there was quite a bit of energetic power struggles taking place, as our lives became more and more entwined and the fears and insecurities began to rise to the surface. It really began to unravel all the beautiful things that were matching in our vibrations and put unwanted focus a past that needed releasing.

Enter Epiphany... I can only unstick myself from this glue, and hope that he gets it...and by "unstick" I mean, I have to take responsibility for what it is I and how I want to feel and my life to flow and "stand in my truth" of it (so ambiguous I know, it's just words until you feel what that means) It's scary to take that step, to step into your truth once you acknowledge what it is, because you cannot go back. I understand now, the kind of empowered freedom I want to feel; in a relationship with anyone or anything I interact with, and by that I mean ensuring that my cork is afloat first and foremost.

The epiphany came as I was anticipating some of the "old pattern" thinking I know I will encounter when I finally sit down with Darren and attempt to negotiate our lives. One of his favorite insinuations, and I call them that, because they are not truths, but defensive tactics to "take your power" is this: ... "well, I guess we want different things" which means "you aren't doing and saying and being exactly the way I want you to right now, and I am going to threaten you with abandonment" and I knew I would have to have a good response to this... because it just isn't true... all the awesome things vibrating in our vortexes that are a match are still there... the only difference is that I don't want to be giving up my power in order to share those things with him. Darren is very attached to, well, everything 3D. 

With that, I realized that he has so busy trying to control the hows and the outcomes of everything and I was so busy trying to just allow the creative process to reveal itself in miraculous ways, I found myself defending my whole way of being on an ongoing basis. I had to do things his way.  He has been so dis-empowered emotionally, that he wants to know how everything is going to work and whats in it for him. If he can't see the value, or whatever his perceptions of value is, it is a threat. I am a sweet karmic lesson (or curse) for him, because nothing about me or my process is predictable.

What's so awesomesauce about this, is that I am blessed right now with the awareness that all of the frustrating delays, and other "out of my control" circumstances are actually the intricate workings of God, Source, or the Creator in endless support of my well being... My rendezvous with Darren has been delayed and delayed and I now know why. It was and is for the sole purpose of allowing me the time I needed to take back my personal power by getting the clarity I needed to "stand in my truth" and be the representation of the love and relationship I want to manifest in my life. I am sure there is some time that he has needed as well, and hopefully it will manifest itself with the best possible outcome for all, in perfect ways.

The universe wants healing and love for us all. With every wound healed and vibration raised we are adding to the greater good of consciousness and evolution of our planet and our highest selves. Be SELFISH. Conjure only the best for yourselves with out compromise, or the need to control others. Allow the Universe to deliver it to you in perfect ways and know that you are loved.


Here is a brand new Abraham - Hicks you tube clip that I absolutely LOVE. Listen to it and do it every day!