I would like to wake up, just one morning and not feel sad. Not want to stay under the covers and cry for the greater part of a day. There has not been one morning in 2 months I haven't had to cold compress the swelling out of my face, just the get the mascara on. This sucks.
The fact is, there is nothing I can do. I will be done my grief, when I am done my grief. I can't determine how long that will take, but I know that the worst thing I can do for my grief is try to fight it. It is what it is, and it's part of the healing process. Resistance is futile.
It's also a golden opportunity for me to learn to self regulate, to self-sooth back to better feeling thoughts, not allowing them to become overwhelming through resistance. Thoughts; like the breath, come and go, and they come and they go and they come and they go...allowing me take my attention off the feelings for a moment. The memories of almost every morning for 2 years my love held me close feel were the happiest times of my life, and I thought I would wake up beside him for all the days of my life. I don't think think either of us got to work on time for the first year of our relationship. Mornings were our most intimate a and connected part of the day. I wake up every morning and like a bad dream, realize he isn't there, he will never be there.
Learning to turn my attention away from my thoughts and bring it to my breath for a few moments brings relief. The feelings flow without the attachment to the thoughts, the memories and the bits I just cant control or change. Learning to take responsibility for my thoughts is the key to getting in the flow of the creative process and let go. I can't try to run from them, but I do notice, if I allow the feelings to come, it isn't long before my mind starts to sooth my heart. Thoughts of hope, and reassurance start to creep in. "This too will pass, Adrienne."
Until then, I will just keep breathing.
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